The recent Slowdown – on trial

Agree to Disagree

Debate in a non-hostile environment

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The recent Slowdown – on trial


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Alarmists have started a legal battle, in an effort to convict the recent Slowdown of a serious crime. The crime in question is, “impersonating a real Slowdown”. This heinous crime carries a maximum sentence of 20 years of watching Al Gore “documentaries”.

The fact that the defendant is so young, is causing considerable controversy. The exact age of the defendant has been suppressed by a court order. But informed sources claim that the defendant is still only a teenager, and could be as young as 7 or 8 years old. Should the recent Slowdown stand trial in the Youth court? Where the maximum sentence is likely to be “community service”, and a compulsory course of Playstation 4 training.

Alarmists are asking the Court to stage the trial in an Adult Court, because the recent Slowdown is technically an “illegal immigrant”. Who entered The United States of America without identification papers, sometime after the year 1997 or 1998. Estimates of the defendants age (from Climate Science “Experts”), vary from 7 or 8 years old, up to 20 years of age. Age is a critical factor in this case, with 17 years being the maximum period of time necessary to convict the recent Slowdown, under the Ben Santer “minimum period to determine a climate signal” legislation.

Alarmists are arguing that because the recent Slowdown is not statistically significant, the recent Slowdown should stand trial as an adult. An Alarmist spokesperson claimed that the 95% confidence interval of the defendants age, includes numbers in the low 20’s. And that this means that the recent Slowdown should stand trial as an adult.

Alarmists want the Court to impose a maximum age of 14 years on the recent Slowdown (below the Ben Santer “minimum”). Skeptics have pointed out that Alarmists are being inconsistent. They want the recent Slowdown to stand trial as an adult, but have the court impose a maximum age of 14 years on the recent Slowdown (which would make it a minor). An Alarmist spokesperson said that Alarmists have no problem with being inconsistent, if it gets a serious criminal “off the streets”. The Alarmist spokesperson added, Alarmists have already been inconsistent about everything else to do with “global warming/climate change/climate disruption/global weirding/climate crisis/climate constipation”, so why should they change now.

The trial is about to begin. We have managed to get our “climate reporter”, Sheldon Walker, on to the jury hearing the case against the recent Slowdown. Sheldon is the “climate innovator”, who invented the “Global Warming Contour Map” graph, and the “Temperature Range Comb” graph (otherwise known as the “Comb of Death”). These 2 types of graph, are expected to be shown as evidence in the case against the recent Slowdown. We asked Sheldon if he thought that it was “fair”, for him to be on the jury? Sheldon replied, “Is it “fair”, that Alarmists won’t admit that there was a small, temporary Slowdown, that doesn’t have any significant long-term implications for global warming”?

Sheldon was starting to get upset over the coming trial, so we gave him a couple of Xanax’s, to calm him down. Sheldon obviously has strong feelings about the recent Slowdown. He made a controversial statement recently, saying “The Slowdown is innocent, and I will do everything in my power, to get justice for the recent Slowdown”. You can support Sheldon, and the recent Slowdown, by buying one of Sheldon’s “Free the recent Slowdown” t-shirts (available in sizes S, SM, M, ML, L, XL, XXL, XXXL,
XXX (adults only), XXXXL, XXXXXL, and XXXXXXL. Circus tent sizes are available on request).

Sheldon is prepared to go to extreme lengths to help his friend. He has taught himself to text message with his toes, using a cellphone that is hidden in his shoe. Sheldon will be sending us text message “reports” from inside the room where the jury members are deliberating. These text message reports will be limited to 160 character per text message (Sheldon refuses to use Twitter), so Sheldon will use abbreviations where necessary.

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That sounds like Sheldon’s first text message.

[ The jury is just starting to review the evidence. The people who make the coffee here, should be sentenced to 20 years of hard labour. It is a crime. They have ]

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[ nurdered the coffee beans. Sorry, I mean murdered the coffee beans. Didn’t expect to get “toe cramp” so soon. Some interesting evidence is being presented. Some ]

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[ of it has been withheld from the public. It is too controversial. I have a backup cellphone, disguised as an Al Gore slogan badge, saying ]

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[ “My other private jet is a 747”. I will try to text you some photos of the controversial evidence. The jury has started discussing what the “burden of proof” should be for this trial. ]

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[ Should the burden of proof be “beyond reasonable doubt”, or “on the balance of probabilities”. They have decided to review the evidence first, and then make a decision on ]

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[ the burden of proof later. They are currently serving morning tea. Coffee, tea, and biscuits. Jury service is difficult. How are you meant to choose between ]

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[ Digestive biscuits, Ginger Nuts, and Shortbread. Digestive biscuits and Ginger Nuts are best for “dunking”, but Shortbread goes soft too quickly. The chairperson of ]

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[ the jury (I am not allowed to tell you whether it is a man or a woman, because that would be sexist), is wearing a “Guilty until proven innocent” t-shirt. It is sponsored ]

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[ by the IPCC, and 97% of scientists. They are showing an interesting slide on the computer screen. The “prosecution” has made a PowerPoint presentation, complete with]

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[ music. I think that the music is the song “Guilty of the Crime”, by the Eagles. The “defense” can only afford some scrappy bits of paper. The defense must be short ]

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[ of money, because they have had to use paper which has discount coupons printed on the back of it. I can get 2 tyres for the price 1, or a “massage” at a place called ]

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[ the “Golden Shower”. I will try to text you a picture of the interesting slide, presented by the prosecution. I hope that the other people on the jury don’t hear the ]

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[ “click” of my cellphone camera. I will pretend to “cough” as I take the photo, to disguise the sound. It might make the photo slightly blurry, but I will try to stay ]

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[ still, while I cough. Here goes. “Click”. You should get it soon. The slide is based on a regression analysis which was done by somebody called “Barry”. Barry’s statistical ]

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[ analysis was done using an autoregressive moving average model [ARMA (1,1)]. The slide claims that the 95% confidence intervals have been corrected for ]

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[ autocorrelation (whatever that is). So we should have “confidence”, that the confidence intervals are valid enough to find the recent Slowdown ]

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[ guilty, beyond reasonable doubt. ]

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Image 1

 

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[ The prosecution has just summed up, by saying that the 95% confidence intervals for the prior warming period, and the alleged slowdown period, overlap. ]

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[ Because the 95% confidence intervals overlap, this proves that the prior warming rate, and the alleged slowdown warming rate, are NOT statistically significantly different. ]

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[ This means that the 2 warming rates are effectively the same value. Therefore there was no slowdown. Therefore the recent Slowdown is guilty of impersonating a real Slowdown. ]

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[ Things were looking bad for the recent slowdown. I quickly asked for a toilet break, and went to cubical 3 in the men’s restroom. I had earlier hidden my laptop under ]

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[ a pile of rolls of toilet paper. I quickly hacked into the court’s computer, and altered the prosecutions PowerPoint presentation. ]

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[ I then sent a text message to the recent Slowdown’s defense lawyer, telling him what to do. I made my way back to the jury room, with a “just been to the toilet” look on my face. ]

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[ The chairperson of the jury said, “Let’s take a vote, and then we can all get back to fighting global warming. I looked across at the defense lawyer, just in time to see him get to his feet. ]

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[ Excuse me Chairperson, I may be just a stupid denier, but shouldn’t you review the recent Slowdown’s evidence. The Chairperson looked annoyed, and then said, “If we have to”. ]

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[ The chairperson then said under their breath (but everybody could hear), “Not that it will do the recent Slowdown any good. ]

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The defense lawyer leaned across to the prosecution lawyer, and said, “that was a mighty fine PowerPoint presentation that you showed everyone earlier. Would you mind if we had another look at it. ]

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[ The prosecution lawyer looked pleased, and said, “Certainly. Perhaps you should study my technique, and improve your performance as a laywer”. The defense lawyer looked suitably ]

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[ humble, and replied, “Yes, perhaps I should”. The prosecution lawyer started his PowerPoint presentation running on the jury room’s wide-screen TV, and sat down with a satisfied sigh. ]

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All of the members of the jury suddenly started murmuring. The prosecution lawyer looked up at the wide-screen TV, and was shocked by what he saw. ]

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[ The prosecution lawyer quickly tried to turn the PowerPoint presentation off. But he was not quick enough to stop the jury from seeing the next slide. ]

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[ The next slide was a big one. I will have to split it across 4 photos. ]

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[ The prosecution lawyer starting pounding on the keyboard, with both of his fists. But the PowerPoint presentation wouldn’t stop. Because I had control of the computer. ]

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[ I displayed the final slide of the PowerPoint presentation. The members of the jury did a collective gasp. They got the message. My job was over, and it was time to leave. ]

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[ I gave the chairperson of the jury my vote, as I left. ]

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[ The end. ]

 

 

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